Monday, November 3, 2008
It was a while ago but I am still celebrating to this day. Often in life we are called upon to finish last or “suck on the hind teat” to learn humility and to be able to look within and not judge ourselves based on circumstance. We experience loss, failure degradation and we supposedly develop character and wisdom in the process. But I have discovered that on occasion the pendulum swings in the opposite direction and suddenly you are head to toe in chocolate icing for once having your cake and eating it! This was such an occasion in my life. Something had shifted cosmically and I went from feeling invisible, awkward and slightly “special needs” to Adonis Diva Dance machine!
We arrived at this massive party with hundreds of men and I felt a wave of eyes wash over me like a scanner with a hope to print. “What the hell is going on?” I thought. “Do I have a crusty booger abseiling out my left nostril? Why are they all the glaring?” But I recognised those looks. The way my dog Zack looks at me when I’m eating biltong. Okay so it wasn’t every guy in the place but it was more than a handful and suddenly I felt super sexy. I can attribute this strange new reception to two newly acquired attributes: 1. The Wheel of good fortune. 2. Platinum blonde hair.
I have spent most of my adult life trying to have a washboard stomach and after years of diets and tummy crunching like a metronome I have finally found something that works! I call it the wheel of good fortune and my lovely friend Christopher introduced me to it. It is essentially two plastic wheels not unlike the training wheels found on a preschoolers bicycle with two plastic handles attached. Three sets of 12 reps a week and I have gorgeous rock hard abs and all for only R60 Rand from Game. That’s only four pounds and interesting considering a Big Mac costs five pounds in London. (I know I should do infomercials.) Then I had my hair dyed platinum blonde much to the dismay of my immediate family. This new look has proven to me over and again that blondes really do have more fun. I have never been approached so much in my life. On the dance floor, in the gym and even in an aisle at Pick n Pay! My friend Lloyd says it makes me look cheap and therefore more approachable. Bring on the bargain hunters, I say!
So at this particular party I noticed a tall gorgeous and shirtless man dancing like it was his birthday and although I normally would have considered him totally out of my league (I felt a bit like a weed dancing next to an Oak) I danced close to him for most of the night and on occasion would make eye contact and smile. He was surrounded by a group of equally well built and intimidating men any one of which may very well have been his beefy boyfriend, but I didn’t care. I was gonna dance close to this man and just enjoy the view. He would smile back from time to time but showed no major signs of interest and seemed very affectionate with all of his friends and I wondered if they were all a gorgeous polygamous gay sect. But I stayed on and danced and fought the urge to go home and sleep as it was already early hours of the morning after a show that night (2 and a half hours on stilts and a Kylie Minogue song. Enough said). Then a mind blowing remix of the club classic “Finally!” by Cece Peniston started blaring from the speakers and I began to transcend my body I danced so hard I felt as though I was making everyone bounce off the floor around me, the fatigue melted away and I felt invincible. As usual the lyrics seemed to be aimed directly at me and I threw my hips around as if I no longer wanted them. “Finally it’s happened to me right in front of my face my two lips can’t describe it!” It was a sign. Tonight was mine and nothing was going to get in my way. A few hours later I was watching the sun come up with Mr Tall, Dark and Dancing at a friend’s after party and enjoying the odd stolen snog when nobody was looking. A major entry for my gratitude journal and a lesson that winning is worth risking and waiting for. Its am amazing what peroxide and a little wheel can do for you.