Sunday, September 14, 2008
I am blessed. I have gone from being broke, miserable, unemployed and seriously doubting the existance of my guides, to no less than playing Pan the Greek God on stilts in a magical moving restaurant gypsy circus. Life is good. I seem to have a regular gig now with Madame Zingara for the next two months at least and I have once again felt something shift inside me spiritually. Not sure if its the new job and the wonderfully fantastical people I get to work with (drag queen acrobats and bearded ladies with hearts of gold) but I feel a deep seated desire to be more objective and do more things motivated by my heart than my head or my loins. I'm more diligent with my morning pages and am craving chant music and any meditative pastimes I can manage to squeeze into my day. Lately I've been chanting praises to Ganesh the God of removing obstacles and found this to be a great help. The term 'in this world but not of it' is a good way to sum up how I feel at the moment. I want to delve deeper into my spiritual being and see what great Love and Beauty I can find there. I am finding this quite difficult to write about because how I feel does not want to conform to the limited frame work of my writing abilities. I am lying on the couch with a very full stomach from a sunday braai and I am on my own as I have been so many times before and will be again. I know being alone is an illusion and that spending time with others to avoid yourself can also create a facade of self. I am aware that tomorrow will be quite a provocative full moon mostly because I will allow it to be. I feel kind of strange and as if my personality hasn't got the limited boundaries I felt it had yesterday. I feel rooted and all over the place at once. In most of my previous blogs I began writing them with a clear intention. Either to entertain an imagined reader or to see if I could express a thought that would resonate with others but I'm not really sure what I want from this one. I suppose I should just let it be what it is and if thats something vague and unfunny then atleast I've expressed that. I think I'm going to have a sunday nap on this full tummy.