Homeland

I have been back in South Africa for almost a month now. My head has been like a DSTV decoder and I can’t begin to describe the different “programmes” that have come and gone since I have landed. (Never mind the endless repeats!)Travel channel (London to Joburg), seeing my family and friends again (Hallmark) and restarting my career (cartoon network) I must begin by saying how happy I am to be back in this country and how this whole experience has just deepened my patriotism for our crazy chip of Africa. But I will come clean with the fact that it took a lot to get my head around all the events that have taken place. I left in November last year completely convinced that I would not return for a year (if ever) and it took a lot of journaling and quiet time to accept this. Saying good bye to everyone was one of the most traumatising experiences of my life (This being despite being in boarding school from a young age and having a very full mental file of moving goodbyes.) I had signed a contract to be in the UK and Ireland for 12 months with a possibility of an Australian tour looming. So, when I came back around three weeks ago I felt a bit like a dupe. I literally could not believe that I was back and seeing everybody that I was longingly dreaming about seeing again in my tiny room in London. It’s a dream come true yet, I felt a little embarrassed and even a measure of anger at having put myself through a painful process that wasn’t necessary. On top of that I have wanted to keep everyone at arm’s length since coming home for fear that I may have to leave again although I cannot see any rational cause for this behaviour. As far as I know I am back and I am here to stay. So here I am. Well, in body anyway. Maybe my heart is still stuck at customs. I have attended a few awesome auditions and have already landed myself a great job starting the 10th of March. I have also not stopped talking about myself since I got here and appreciate all the understanding ears I’ve had the privilege of bending. I have an amazing house to stay in Johannesburg and everyone has been INCREDIBLE since I got back. Once again my family have been the great big soft place for me to land when the big bad world has burnt my fingers and I know that I am loved and appreciated. In a few weeks I have gone from being broke, single, unemployed and homeless to just plain single. And at this point it doesn’t seem like such a dirty word. I honestly find myself so deeply wrapped up in my own world of self exploration and analysis that I just don’t see the space for someone else right now. I’m feeling too sensitive and selfish to exercise the necessary wild abandon and my stomach doesn’t feel flat enough. Then again, when does it ever! I’ve been on some dates and met some fantastic guys but my gut has just turned around and told me “no, not now, maybe later, if you behave.” I haven’t even been on an internet dating site for weeks and that is quite an accomplishment for me. Romantic Love is after all my favourite subject matter. If I were to classify my life as an ideal movie genre I would probably aim for “Spiritual adventure romantic comedy” (if that even exists). I suppose the shop clerk would just shove me in the plain old “Adventure” section but at this stage I would even be happy in the “Action” section because it’s better than the “Kiddies” section and God knows I have no business in the “Adult” section other than a warning for some strong language. Well wherever I end up on the shelf I hope that (when the time is right) the appropriate person takes me home for a quiet night in to enjoy the story of me. Until then I’ll just work on improving my DVD and getting rid of the smudges and scratches on its rainbow surface. I’m home now so everything else is going to work out just fine and if I wait patiently I know I’ll see my bedraggled yet customs approved heart coming to meet me over the horizon.