Monday, August 3, 2009

Saving Yourself.

Quite a few people that I know believe that you give a part of yourself to every person that you sleep with. Now I’m not just talking about the usual saliva and skin cell exchange, they believe that you leave a part of your “spiritual essence” with every person that you are physically intimate with. Well, if that is the case then many of us are scattered far and wide like rainbow coloured shards of glass at the bottom of a very vast kaleidoscope (It makes sense if you consider all the mirrors and mirror-balls in gay clubs). I am probably the last person to advocate abstinence. With regards to most things I consider life to be like a “buffet” and I have queued with the best of them to sample a taste of everything on offer. It’s been fabulous. Until about nine months ago. I haven’t lost my appetite I just haven’t found a decent meal and I’m tired of junk food.
Originally I wanted to write a blog celebrating all the “singular sensations” that I know. I have become aware of how many gorgeous, creative, intelligent and sexy single people there are out there and I wanted to write something acknowledging them, thereby comforting and acknowledging myself. I was going to gush but, something about the content didn’t seem to sit authentically with me because I kept putting it off. There are loads of hot, clever, single people and there are also loads of scary, “Hildegard”, stupid people that have been happily involved with a significant other for years. There are also single “ugly stupids” and involved “pretty clevers” of course. It appears to be random, like being born with a tongue that can fold into a tube, or one that, despite working well in the tasting and blowing “raspberries” department, cannot. Being single does not equate being a failure or an inability to be attractive. It is merely what it is: being single.
Sex is something that involves both ‘single’ and ‘involved’ people and is in my experience something to be enjoyed most frequently by some of the ‘single’ people I know. I’m not exactly sure that I have left a part of my “being” with every person that I have had sex with like one would a sock, a cap or a pair of sunglasses, but, I do feel that there is no such thing as “no strings attached” sex, not for me anyway. It always means something in some way and every action has a repercussion. On one occasion it may leave you feeling sexy confident and grinning as you “mince” through a mall with your newly reinforced ego. On another it may leave you feeling inadequate, isolated and yoked with regret. It is no longer something that I feel that I can take lightly and although I have been charitable, has never been something that I have been able to dispense too generously. I realise now that, to me, sex is too important an expression for that.
I am by no means a monk; I am far too promiscuous with religion for that! (Buffet again) it’s just; I am beginning to think that (for the umpteenth time) Madonna had a point. “Like a virgin, touched for the very first time.” this from a woman who had previously marketed herself as a sexual ‘libertine’. From “the whore of Babylon” she repackaged herself as “the Virgin”. I think she did this for the purity and the clarity that this title would afford. Going around smearing yourself off on people must get a little emotionally untidy after a while.
A laser beam is potent because it is concentrated light focused on a specific spot. Diffused and general light does not have the same efficacy although it is very illuminating. If I try to shed light on everything I encounter I will become more aware of my surroundings as my light bounces off everything, but I will never have the potency to be able to truly penetrate anything. I think sex is a bit like that, and not just when it comes to the ‘penetrate’ part.
Sex is easy and available yet, I hope it has the potential to be more than just a mutual body function. I have never been of the opinion that it is overrated. Sex has killed and conquered thousands of brave and wise souls. There must be more to it than procreation or in our case recreation. I wonder if it is perhaps something worthwhile waiting for after the initial discovery and experimentation has ended. Do we ever stop experimenting and discovering? Two of the longest and most successful gay relationships I have encountered have been ‘open’ relationships. But why does that fact leave me with a dull ache in my gut? Maybe my massive actors’ ego doesn’t like the idea of someone I love getting sexual satisfaction from another soul. Am I deluded by thinking I can be the sole source of all that special man may want or need, sexually? Maybe I just don’t know enough monogamous and happy long term gay couples. I’m not sure.
I know that life is short, but I’d really like the next person to be someone I have a meaningful connection with. Not just someone who has the right look or ‘bad boy’ quality. Delayed gratification seems to be a recipe for many types of achievement, perhaps in this matter too. But then again the loins can roar like lions. I wonder if I can make them tame.


  1. Regarding your open relationships - I definitely feel that ego plays a huge part in why you feel that dull ache. I'm currently going down that exact road and my huge Leo pride and ego is taking a big knock. Seeing him derive pleasure from someone else sexually is really not easy. But I ask myself: 'Myself, is it really possible that you can be everything to him?'. I know the answer to that. I can be everything to me and I can be complete in me, but expecting me to be everything to him is ridiculous. And it's hypocritical. I have so many people in my life and they all contribute in different ways and I love them all for it. Sex is just another aspect of that. Linking too much emotion to sex leads to feelings of inadequacy and jealousy when the sex wanes or your partner gets turned on by others. If you're true to yourself, you'll realise that you get turned on by others too. Turn on your light brightly, look past all the gumpf and you'll see what it truly is that makes you connect with that person. Love them for that and let all else go.

  2. Ok. Lets put all the sorry fags out of their misery. There is no such thing as an "open relationship". It is a contradiction in terms. You can not have a relationship with someone that has sex with someone els. That is called a fuckbuddy!!! When and if you are in a relationship with someone that is truely menat for you and that you truely love, you will not want to hav esex with other people. Yes, of course there are going to be others that you find attractive, but the fact that you are committing your life to one person, means that you do not act on those feelings. Its always amazing how "open" relationships are always so accepted by fags, and its obviously because they are trying to make themselves feel better about what they are doing, and they are trying to duck and dive from repsonsibility and from actually working at a relationship.

    If you or your partner wants to sleep with other people, its time to terminate your farse of co-habitation. In the end one person always gets hurt this way...

    Bruce. Sex is something very special and you are right there is no such thing as "no strings attached". Its time gay men step up and take responsibility for their pathetic urge and competition to sleep with the most guys they can!!!