Put it out there!

“Where do I begin?”

What a fantastic last few weeks I’ve been having! I firmly believe that there is truth in the rumour that if you want something from life you should “put it out there” because that is what I did and it now seems to be paying dividends. It was about two weeks ago and I was on a dance floor in a gay club in Pretoria (Legends to be exact) and I was behaving like I had just graduated from Madame Sassy’s school of Extremely sexy dance. I was shaking my hips like they were confetti at a wedding and I was enjoying one dance anthem after another, Robin S. , Snap, David Guetta, Britney and of course the new cheeky popsicle, Lady Gaga! Then “POP!” I had a thought. “I wanna do that!” “I wanna be the person who gets to make the song that makes all the funky people wanna dance like hungry monkeys at a banana-bread raffle.” So that’s how it started. I went home and started throwing ideas around, the next thing I knew I was behind the soundproof glass wailing into a microphone and trying not to distort my voice too much with my swaying hips. I LOVE MAKING MUSIC! And so my first electro-house track “Put it out there!” (listen to it on my facebook profile), was born with the production skills of the amazing Helio aka Monotone, and although the lyrics are not going to win me a Pulitzer, I am very proud of it. It makes me want to dance and that makes me feel good! That aside I have met and been spending time with some of the most gorgeous and generous people imaginable. The face-lickable cast of Killer Queen + JC, (The vocal boy band Overtone, all of them, yum yum!), Chris, Ben, Andrew (the three lovely misters), Chet and Freda (Patrons of Perfection and Protectors of the Fabulous!), and of course scintillating Sam, Joan of Obz (Now of Norwood), Lerato the luscious, Guava princess, Punkris, Catharsis and every other “nca!” and “sharp sharp!” person I have seen over these weeks whose names just wouldn’t sound as good in this sentence despite being equally adored. So now the song is done and already all grown up and leading its own little independent life out there in cyberspace. Soon it will even be available to download on mtnxploaded.co.za so it hardly even needs me anymore. But I’m already working on two more songs. Hell, if I can’t be a breeder I may as well riddle the world with my lyrical offspring and hopefully cause hundreds of people in the world to get my songs stuck in their heads the way Kylie Minogue and Britney have been plaguing me my whole life. “Na na na… na na na na na… can’t get you outta my head…” Aaargh!
But I interrupt this broadcast to announce to everyone that I am about to launch into my newest and most exciting adventure yet. This Sunday I am heading off into the “bundu’s” of Botswana and Namibia for two weeks in a big butch 4x4. I kid you not! I am going on safari with my beloved younger boetie Tigue and will be unreachable until we return to civilisation on the 3rd of May. This is not to be confused with camping which I was doing earlier on at Legends in Pretoria. This is full tilt bushwacking and I am so excited, but also ever so slightly “kakking” myself. No cell phone network, no facebook, no agents, no castings, no Sandton! I’ll just have to cope (not the political party.) So, chow for now and catch up with all of you Love-blossoms of desire on the other side of deepest darkest Africa and watch this space for a “Little” Bush trip update. BIG LOVE!!!

Romantick tock boom!

Okay so what the hell is romantic Love any way? Its everywhere! Every movie, book, song and even scrawled on some bridges on random highways and the back of public toilet doors. But I'm just not getting any! Everything else is rocking but that! I feel like I'm eating a gourmet burger and the chef left out the patty. I'm in a phenomenal city that is bursting with newness opportunity and mortal danger. I'm back in studio recording music that makes the hairs on the back of my neck feel like an Arthur Murray routine. I am spending time with people that I respect and enjoy like you do a mouthfull of cake after a month of celery, but no fluttering heart and batting eyelids. Same old scenarios over again like the series channel I like him but he doesn't like me or he likes me but I don't return the flavour. Its like a sick joke all these chains of unrequited 'like'. Then as if to mock me I'm surrounded by all these gorgeous couples that are equally infatuated with one another. All this cuddling and kissing and soft speaking to one another. Shit I get so jealous I could spit. But then I remember that every dog has its day and that one day there will be someone that will make me go all mush brained and thick tongued and for once he will feel the same. Its not that I think I'm a wolfpig or anything, I know I'm not a growler and that I'm reasonably attractive but I'm not talking about mere attraction! I'm talking about Kapow! Chikka chikka boom! The real makoya! You know? Am I asking too much? I know I'm a bit eccentric and stuff but there are so many strange people that I know who have managed to find Love so why the hell not me? Maybe my gut is getting temperamental like the GPS on my cell phone and losing my desired destination cos its lost the satellite signal. Maybe I've lost the Love signal. Thats funny. Lame but funny. If you want something cheap and easy life produces it in abundance at your disposal but something of value and with any depth at all seems so scarce, and I'm just talking about the gay clubs now. Well... I've placed my order and I'm a patient man and I suppose the universe thinks it best to provide me with fewer distractions as my career finally begins to set up shop. But let it be known I'm not going to let this go without a fight. I'm not going to settle either. No small bumps and thuds, its the big KABLOOEE! or nothing. Fabulous friendship and fame will just have to suffice.

Not so stunning.

Although I constantly make a valid effort to remain consistently upbeat and jovial, I must admit that there are times when that skanky bitch meloncholy jumps out and wrestles me to the ground. Then once she has me pinned down she torments me by dribbling long trails of syrupy spit until they dangle inches from my face before shlucking it back up into her twisted mouth at the last minute. I hate that bitch. I suspect that she hides under my bed in wait for me, pouncing when I'm most vulnerable. I know I shouldn't expect to be all happiness and joy all the time but she seems to really relish giving me a hard time when I find myself at her mercy. Luckily I usually manage to wriggle away rather quickly. She always manages to post such disturbing ideas into my head once she has me in her grip. "Noone really gets you." she'll hiss. "You're not meant to share your life with anyone cos you're too strange." She sits with an entire panel of my issue buttons and gingerly goes about pushing each one in as deep as they go until they begin to strain. She tuts tsk tsks into my ear as I lay in the dark trying to sleep. She knows all the kak I wish nobody knew. So tonight she is sitting at the foot of my bed with her tongue out and her eyes like slits even though she has no business being here right now. I am beginning to thrive in an amazing city that is beginning to Love me and she's trying to poke holes in my pretty new paisley patterns. Maybe its a good thing she's trying so hard to get to me tonight. Maybe its an indication that I'm on to something new and wonderful, something that'll work and now she's threatened cos she fears her days are numbered. Meloncholy finds herself being scheduled fewer shifts and she fears she may have to find herself a new gig. Well, regardless, she's here now and she's barking like a dog to get my attention. I could take half a sleeping pill and slip away from her tight little fists but I wont. I'll curl up and lie here until I doze off naturally cos although she's no good atleast she knows how to stick around. And if she can manage to want to do that and put in such a slog then I must be worth the effort. Mel. Your days are numbered cos I'm due for an upgrade and Patience is offering a killer deal on the new contentment package. Also the self-pity price has gone through the roof and my budget can only afford the odd disappointment on special occasions so its time I knuckled down on some good times they're going at a great wrate these days.

Falling Prey.

You say you want to pray for me. Then if you must please pray for my peace of mind. Pray that I may know and share Love in my life and that I show courage in the face of adversity. If you feel the need to discuss me with God then thank him for his creation and his blessings on my behalf. You would be doing me a service and I would thank you. But should you wish to pray that I be not what I am, that I change for your judgement and that I challenge your ignorance less, then I ask that you keep your prayers, because I fear that you will need them more than me. Amen.

Crush Monk

Its 7am and I'm in a panel van covered in stickers that make it look like a space ship. I've been up since 4h30am and now that all of us ( 3 actors and crew) have assembled we are off to Alexandra to perform in an energy efficiency campaign for school kids. Despite the early start its a sweet gig and it has rekindled my love of Kwaito and Afro house music which our driver plays religiously en route to the schools to help us all bop ourselves awake in the morning. Playing an energy efficiency super hero in informal settlements seems a natural progression from my previous role as a Greek God in a circus. Many would be suprised to know how much happier I am now in comparison to how I felt then. I am well and truly a child of Africa and although I had a blast in the UK, this is were I come into my own. I'm still really keen on one day breaking into the kwaito and house music industry and have already started following some leads. If I am truly a closet black woman as was suggested by one of my lecturers at Varsity then its time I let her out for some fresh air. I can actually hear a communal sigh of resignation from some of my friends and family. You knew this was coming because I have always modelled myself on Brenda Fassie. You know mos! So here I am approaching 30 in the city of Gold and still dreaming of being a pop star, but it feels good and this is after all a country that is "alive with possibilities". I only really feel lost when I have nothing to work towards. I have worked tirelessly on the pursuit of Love and romance and have tasted quite a lot of success but am beginning to lose enthusiasm and so I want to leave that up to fate now for a while because I've done enough and sometimes you can overpaint a master piece. That lilly is not only gilded but also covered in Swarovski crystals so I'm going to step away from the Love flower for a while and focus on other projects. Having crushes on people and playing the wooing game monopolises so much of my creative energy that I would rather try and rechannel all that energy into something more constructive like being a Kwaito star and affording medical aid. So here goes! If you start hearing me on the radio in a collaboration with Mendoza or Tamara Dey in the near future you'll know I accomplished my mission, and remember you heard it here first. And why the hell not?

Head Knock!

Newly back in the country and I've already been witness to a a violent crime in the leafy suburbs. Or perhaps not. The worst thing about it is that I can't be sure what I saw because I was driving and only caught a glimpse as I was turning off Weltevreden into Berario. I saw a man in a 90's style white BMW stop on the side of the road and run towards a man standing next to the open car door of his big luxury 4x4 and begin beating him violenty over the head with some indefinable blunt object which may have been a gun or even a half brick. It all happened too fast because next thing I knew I was driving down another green avenue looking deceptively tranquil unsure of my own sense of reality. My mind raced. Was he a policeman apprehending a criminal? Was I just witness to a highjacking or just another drastic case of road rage? What the Hell! I still have no idea what went on there. Then as Life the dualistic minx would have it I went on to have an amazing evening watching a great show (Rocky Horror at Broadacres) and catching up with supernificent friends some of which I haven't seen in Yonks. No wonder schitzophrenia is rife! Life slaps you, plucks your eyebrows and then cuddles into your kneck to give you a butterfly kiss. (And I thought the men in my life were giving me mixed messages!) Otherwise life is good. I still have not started working and have just returned from a haze of food sunshine and familial bliss on the Vaal Dam. All I have been doing is reading, eating, sleeping and swatting mammoth mosquitos, and now I know for a fact that the body fat percentage measurer thingy at the gym is stuffed, because today it reckons I have dropped 2% body fat since I last measured four months ago at my fittest. Life has a stellar sense of humour too.

Homeland

I have been back in South Africa for almost a month now. My head has been like a DSTV decoder and I can’t begin to describe the different “programmes” that have come and gone since I have landed. (Never mind the endless repeats!)Travel channel (London to Joburg), seeing my family and friends again (Hallmark) and restarting my career (cartoon network) I must begin by saying how happy I am to be back in this country and how this whole experience has just deepened my patriotism for our crazy chip of Africa. But I will come clean with the fact that it took a lot to get my head around all the events that have taken place. I left in November last year completely convinced that I would not return for a year (if ever) and it took a lot of journaling and quiet time to accept this. Saying good bye to everyone was one of the most traumatising experiences of my life (This being despite being in boarding school from a young age and having a very full mental file of moving goodbyes.) I had signed a contract to be in the UK and Ireland for 12 months with a possibility of an Australian tour looming. So, when I came back around three weeks ago I felt a bit like a dupe. I literally could not believe that I was back and seeing everybody that I was longingly dreaming about seeing again in my tiny room in London. It’s a dream come true yet, I felt a little embarrassed and even a measure of anger at having put myself through a painful process that wasn’t necessary. On top of that I have wanted to keep everyone at arm’s length since coming home for fear that I may have to leave again although I cannot see any rational cause for this behaviour. As far as I know I am back and I am here to stay. So here I am. Well, in body anyway. Maybe my heart is still stuck at customs. I have attended a few awesome auditions and have already landed myself a great job starting the 10th of March. I have also not stopped talking about myself since I got here and appreciate all the understanding ears I’ve had the privilege of bending. I have an amazing house to stay in Johannesburg and everyone has been INCREDIBLE since I got back. Once again my family have been the great big soft place for me to land when the big bad world has burnt my fingers and I know that I am loved and appreciated. In a few weeks I have gone from being broke, single, unemployed and homeless to just plain single. And at this point it doesn’t seem like such a dirty word. I honestly find myself so deeply wrapped up in my own world of self exploration and analysis that I just don’t see the space for someone else right now. I’m feeling too sensitive and selfish to exercise the necessary wild abandon and my stomach doesn’t feel flat enough. Then again, when does it ever! I’ve been on some dates and met some fantastic guys but my gut has just turned around and told me “no, not now, maybe later, if you behave.” I haven’t even been on an internet dating site for weeks and that is quite an accomplishment for me. Romantic Love is after all my favourite subject matter. If I were to classify my life as an ideal movie genre I would probably aim for “Spiritual adventure romantic comedy” (if that even exists). I suppose the shop clerk would just shove me in the plain old “Adventure” section but at this stage I would even be happy in the “Action” section because it’s better than the “Kiddies” section and God knows I have no business in the “Adult” section other than a warning for some strong language. Well wherever I end up on the shelf I hope that (when the time is right) the appropriate person takes me home for a quiet night in to enjoy the story of me. Until then I’ll just work on improving my DVD and getting rid of the smudges and scratches on its rainbow surface. I’m home now so everything else is going to work out just fine and if I wait patiently I know I’ll see my bedraggled yet customs approved heart coming to meet me over the horizon.