Monday, May 5, 2008

Forbidden Fruit Cocktail

This has been one action stacked and emotionally discharged long week-end!
It makes me think of the lesser known scripture of Adam and Steve in the proverbial Garden. Adam is tempted to have of Steve’s forbidden fruits even though he knows that Steve is actually involved with someone else from another garden, somewhere overseas. Adam knows that he really shouldn’t but what is one to do, when one has a weakness for fruit?
It’s all about the packaging so I suppose Steve must have been sporting a rather fetching basket and as to what transpired between the two, one can only surmise from the chapter to follow: Ready, Willing, Cane and Able.
History is fond of repeating itself and so I felt much like I imagine ancestor Adam must have felt all those hundreds of years ago, this very week-end. I developed a forbidden fruit crush on someone and am reminded of how things “change” and then “stay the same.” He is tall, dark, gorgeous and completely unobtainable. There are men that have made me wish to be thinner or bigger or smarter or more affluent in order to win their favour. But, this guy made me want to be more of who I am. He takes no shit and is clearly not a fan of pretence or facade. He has beautiful eyes that can dissect your being and isolate character flaws like a surgeon’s laser. I noticed how he disallowed any superficial chit-chat and how keen he pricked his ears up, if there was even a hint of mercury or spice (bullshit) in what I was saying. I got the impression that there would be no space or time provided for me to be or do anything other than what I am at heart. He is only interested in who I am and not what I was or want to be. This is a challenge for an actor who is used to having so many options at his disposal. With him I’d have to leave the masks and make-up at work before coming home. I felt myself falling and it was like watching an annoyingly unavoidable crash like an unmanned shopping trolley scooting downhill towards a freshly painted car. It’s not usually very practical when we fall, nor is it graceful and one inevitably ends up a bit grazed and bruised.
There are things I could tell within minutes of meeting him. I can make him laugh but it’s not a given that he will, if I try. He reads in bed but, will probably never read this (Though I pray he does.) He stretches like a cat and has a dark sense of humour but is prone to smiling at strangers. He smells good and if he was with me and we went to a dinner party together, he would place his hand on my knee when he felt I was feeling insecure. But even though I am tempted to tell him I love him and cause him to get a rather ineffective restraining order (See previous blog Media Slut) I am conscious of the fact that I don’t really know him (even though this does nothing to diminish his yum-factor.) But he’s not available. I cannot have him now because he belongs to someone else and that just makes him even more desirable.
Isn’t it strange how the really delicious things in life are always really bad for you? I would be with him if doing so merely made me fat, gave me cholesterol or clogged my arteries or gave me ‘the runs’ (as is often the case with fruit in excess) But, having an affair would compromise my already low running supply of integrity and, wrack me with gnawing guilt. I have an overdraft of guilt as it is, and I really don’t need the bad karma. Also, how could I enjoy a trusting loving relationship, if I incubated it in a Petri dish of deception and betrayal? I’d rather leave that shit to Shakespeare. So I say, “not tonight, Josephine!” I want all of you and not just some of you, on loan from somebody else. Call me when you’re single. And until then I will keep my phone on me at all times in the hope that I was enough of myself on the night that we met.


  1. Hi Naked Drag Queen. Thank you for your blog and your honesty. You remember the old song “Personality”? The words went something like “You’ve got … personality, walk …. personality..” and so on. My song is “You’ve got inaccessibility, walk inaccessibility” and somewhere the chorus goes “over ‘n over ‘n over” etc. That about sums a lot of my romantic fantasy life.

    I liked them either crazy or completely inaccessible. How many gay men do you know who are in a relationship with “somebody in Amsterdam”, or “London” or somewhere remote?

    One day somebody helped me realize that I loved them inaccessible, because inaccessible is safe … there is no fear of my humanness being discovered … grumpiness, early morning bad breath, toilet smells and the rest of what goes along with being human. Or else I would idolize them, put them on a huge and elevated pedestal and worship them from afar, and then get disgusted when they displayed signs of being human like grumpiness, early morning bad breath and so on. Then I would disappear, to try for the next perfect one – preferably the perfect ones about to leave for Peru or Alaska. I found them instinctively (the same way I found the crazies – but I’m off crazies now – they’re too high maintenance).

    But now, as with Frank Sinatra, the end has come, and I can’t do it my way. Not my literal, mortal end, you understand, but the end of my wanting what I can’t get. I’ve had enough of the humiliation that comes with that. And especially at my age, when I become invisible to anyone under the age of thirty, the temptation to go after inaccessible youth is very strong.

    Oh, f**k it, I’ve realized, with much pain and scar tissue, that beauty is just skin deep, trite as that sounds. And that a zit, or a skew tooth, or a little bulge around the belly is of far less significance than is an attractive, vital personality.

    But I do feel for you – unrequited love has been the stuff of poetry for centuries, and in your blog you say what legions of troubadours and bards have sung. On the other hand, though, you have a wonderful personality, you look good (I saw you naked in “Hair” and there was nothing to moan about … on the contrary ….) so you deserve someone who actually is good enough for you, and not the other way around.

    Before I become too sentimental, I’ll end by saying that I really wish you well on your journey, or as you thespian type persons prefer it, go break many legs, and break a heart or two on the way.

    Not for nothing are you the “Lurve Tsotsi”



  2. MY friend, its always the forbidden fruit that tastes the best. I have said many things to you and have warned about many things, but at the end of the day, you can not let a chance at being happy for the rest of your life be influenced by something like a boyfriend. My friend, go and get it....your gut tels you to anyway.

  3. Hi there my naked friend. Can't say I ever saw you naked but I do know you not really a Drag Queen.

    I was that fly on the wall this night.. Oh, and the night before..

    Life is fun, torturous but interesting and fair (sometimes??) as in this instance your forbidden fruit had allot more than a passing interest in another’s forbidden fruit.. So in away, if it’s of any comfort to you, the feelings were mutual albeit cross-firing..

    Somewhere it is written:- "Lost somewhere between sunrise and sunset - Two golden hours each set with two silver diamonds. No one can find them for they are lost forever"...

    Your off-the-wall admirer!

    Toby Fweet-Sart.

  4. oh my oh my those whom we love but cannot have .......I have had many float in and out of my life, luckily they have kept on floating :)