Sunday, April 27, 2008


I am a relatively healthy person. I gym at least twice a week and am quite energetic most of the time. But my self-sabotaging aspect (we all have one I believe) has a rather sweet tooth and an inflated notion of what is a healthy portion of food to consume in one sitting. In other words, I am a piggy. This has resulted in me manifesting and maintaining a rather persistent inch of fat around my waist. I don’t like it one bit yet I know that my actions have brought it into being. I also happen to believe that everything happens for a reason and so everything must then exist for a reason (Including my unwanted fat.) One less samoosa here and a few less slices of pizza there and I would probably be in Washboard city. But no, my subconscious would rather catch the bus to Tubby Town. The weird thing is that I am naturally tall and slim and my arms and legs are long and thin, so I am now beginning to feel like four strips of bamboo shoved into a week-end tog bag. Okay I’m exaggerating, I’m not exactly built like Santa Clause and I am confident enough with my body to have appeared nude three times on stage but we are all entitled to a little body dysmorphia (Any tips on how to spell that?) This kind of self-criticism is not good for the self image and so I think its time for some analysis.
Even the word “fat”, has become provocative. I feel my shoulders flinch slightly, every time I hear the word, and I don’t really try to stop myself because, I know it’s good for burning calories. I can’t even walk past a copy of Men’s Health without feeling an odd combination of attraction and nauseating guilt.

What is fat any way? According to the limited high school biology I remember it’s a protective layer that provides a reserve in times of famine and acts as a shock absorber around the internal organs to prevent our guts suffering from whiplash every time we hit a night club. So the original purpose of fat is to be a useful back up and an ingenious layer that protects us from wear and tear. So, if we have more than the prescribed amount of fat due to us, then maybe it must be because we are hyper sensitive and are creating a more substantial barrier to protect us from the harsh outside world. Hmmm…The world is getting fatter to try and cope with a harsher quality of life? (It brings a whole new meaning to the term, “sealed for your protection.”) But, is life really tougher now? I think those guys in the biblical times really had it much worse, what with leprosy, floods and plagues in comparison to our little global warming issues? Plus, they didn’t even have microwaves Woolworths and ATM’s. I think we have it made, in comparison.

Come to think of it I make good use of my belly fat. I use it as a scapegoat for many of my shortcomings. I allow myself to believe that it is because I don’t have a six pack that I have not yet become a famous actor and part-time model. The rest of my features have nothing to do with it. It is for this same reason that I am still single and Patrick Dempsey has not yet realized how perfect we are for each other. I think I might even be blaming my excess adipose for my financial lack as well. I mean otherwise in difficult times I would just be able to lift my shirt and random people would just start flinging money at me. (To be fair models are actually paid more in commercials than actors so this is not so far removed from reality.) When broke I could always be an underwear model but, not with my current padding.
So, my fat is forming a layer (figuratively and literally) that then protects me from the pain of facing my failures. This is all a wonderful theory, but, maybe what I should really do is just eat less sugar, do more cardio and spend less time drinking cappuccinos as I analyze my stomach sitting at a computer. ;-)

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